13/02/2017

Honestly


Last week, I nervously published my first really raw and honest blog post. You can read that here, if you like. Honestly, the disease that I was diagnosed with years ago has recently become a rather big part of my life, and I hate it. Honestly, it makes me feel vulnerable, confused and, at times, despairingly helpless. Honestly, I haven't felt like myself in a long while...and honestly, I'm not entirely sure what "myself" even feels like any more...

Honestly, I feel like I'm such a mishmash of a person... I'm a huge fan of Disney, of most U-rated movies, and of random cute pictures. I'm a wannabe badass, who dreams of bold eyebrows, daring tattoos and tongue-piercings. I'm a massively spiritual person: an overly sensitive over-thinker who is forever longing to make the world a better place somehow. I adore watching The Lord of the Rings, BBC Three documentaries, and makeup tutorials. I'm confident and insecure, organised and disheveled, positive and depressive...all at the same time.

Honestly, I want to sing more, to read more, to write more. I miss the days of alcohol and crazy stories, while simultaneously feeling like I'm being called to live a life of tee-total travelling. I want to embrace my flaws and imperfections and be proud of my story: a broken human being who has been through so much and has so much further to go. I want to take ownership of my scars and use them to tell my story and aid others in their journeys. But I also want to hide them, to become a picture-perfect, Amanda Woods-type woman who has her shit together. I want to be the put-together businesswoman, the refreshingly raw activist, the picture-perfect Instagrammer, the game-changing motivational speaker...all at once.

Honestly, I want to be more honest. With old friends and new acquaintances. With fellow bloggers, students, christians, non-christians. With my partner, my sister, my mummy and daddy and my extended family. I want to be able to be me. The real me. But honestly, sometimes I'm not sure quite how to do that. And honestly, I guess I'm scared of the reaction...from other people, and from myself.

Nic x
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